I entered the United States Naval Academy, class of 2003, with every intention of becoming the captain of a warship, and ultimately an admiral.
Destiny / karma / fate had other plans. I won't get into it all here (you may ask when we talk), but suffice it to say I realized that a career in the navy would not be my path to long term service. The strictly hierarchical world of the military would not be for me.
Yet, when you speak to me, especially about leadership, I often lean hard on navy experiences and metaphors from the sea.
It's an obvious truth that still evades many: YOU are the captain of your own life. The same things the captain of a ship is responsible for, YOU are responsible for:
- The integrity of your vessel. (the health of YOU: body, mind, emotions, and spirit)
- A constant orientation on where you're at and where you're going. (and why)
- Keeping your crew (family, friends, coworkers) appropriately apprised on where you're at and where you're going.
- Owning and managing lines of communication, including who has access to you and when they have access to you. (personal boundaries)
- Constantly updating/optimizing doctrines, skills, and tools to keep up with best practices.
- And many more we can geek out on as we get a picture of what's most relevant for you.
Ultimately, the thing you are responsible for that too few leaders take seriously is SELF-AWARENESS.
As a captain, you are responsible for overall situational awareness. But, of course, YOU are part of the situation and who you are either aids or detracts from situational awareness.
- Are your insecurities being projected onto others?
- Are your insecurities affecting your decision making?
- Where are you knowledge gaps?
- Where does pride keep you from properly delegating?
- What deep emotional patterns from childhood keep showing up, but you are blind to them?
- Where do your gaps in self-awareness keep your situational awareness from developing?
In my 20s, I went from Lieutenant Bouthillette, a respected man in a respected profession, to just some unemployed 20-something year old guy. Many veterans express how difficult the transition to civilian life can be.
For me, it was indeed very disorienting and humbling. My insecurities showed up. My pride showed up.
Childhood patterns, suppressed by the high pace of military life, showed up.
It took ten years after leaving the navy to fully accept that no one was showing up to rescue me or give me a new direction. Only I could answer: Who am I? What do I want? and Why do I want it?
I needed to become the captain of my own life.
And now, another ten years later, I have answered those questions and I relish looking to myself in unclear times.
Even my favorite "leisure" activities, long roadtrips and backpacking, demand self-awareness and looking to myself in uncertainty.
At home, my partner has three children: ages 13, 11, and 7. I'm not yet an official step-father, but I am a serious presence in their life.
I never intended to be a father of any sort, but I am grateful for the experience as it is a constant journey into uncharted waters, and keeps me mindful of not slipping into anxiety.
Those kids make it clear: the consequences of my beingness, actions, and decisions extend far beyond myself.
I would have it no other way.
I've become the man capable of captaining a warship. Ironically, I had to get out of the navy to become that man.
And now I'm ready to serve you. I'm ready to help you develop a practice of self-awareness so potent that when uncertainty strikes, you will...
BE THE ONE PEOPLE LOOK TO WHEN THE WAY FORWARD IS UNCLEAR
And THAT is the most organic, most true, indicator of leadership.
Ready to Begin?
If something in you stirred while reading this, it’s time.
Four Fun Fabi Facts
Liandra
I'm obsessed with my 2010 Ford Ranger, "Liandra."
She is named after an attack ship featured in the pilot episode of "The Legend of the Rangers: To Live and Die in Starlight", a spinoff from the 1990s science fiction series Babylon 5.
Liandra has been to all lower 48 United States, 39 national parks, and 5 Canadian national parks. I once lived out of her and on the road for 19 months straight.
Last Stands
I'm a sucker for military last stands. My favorite is the Battle off Samar, part of the broader Battle of Leyte Gulf near the end of WWII, perhaps the greatest last stand in naval history.
Exposed without reinforcement, four U.S. destroyers were left alone to face the main Japanese force consisting of 4 battleships, 6 heavy cruisers, 2 light cruisers, and 11 destroyers. Spoiler alert, we won.
Simply thinking about it can bring a tear to my eye. I was once a destroyer officer, after all.
Queso the Cat
He turned me into a cat man.
Now, if we're mid conversation and a cat strolls by...
I WILL interrupt you.
I WILL point out if a cat is sleeping in a cute position.
I WILL make up and sing a cute song to a cat.
And, of course, Queso is the best.
He is with his mother, my ex-wife, and I remain close to both of them (which I'm very proud to say).
Gore Vidal
Unless you're a boomer, you probaby don't know who this guys is, which is unfortunate.
But if you do, you understand how significant it is that I was this man's personal assistant for two years, 2009/2010.
Gore (also a cat man) is one of the most important critics of America. and one of its most important historians. He is the greatest writer of historical fiction in the 20th century.
I wrote a book about my time in the navy, weaving in Gore's commentary on American imperialism, and his warnings of potential American collapse.
His voice is dearly missed in today's uncertain times.